Interpersonal Relationships
Humans are deeply social beings with a basic psychological need for relatedness, or belonging. And, as in so many other domains of human functioning, here, too, a sense of autonomy plays a critical role in supporting high-quality interpersonal relationships.
While many people might see autonomy and belonging as opposites, they are, in fact, complementary. We normally need to experience one to feel comfortable with the other, even though everyone’s individual balance between the two may be different at different times. On the one hand, we need to feel like we can make our own choices. On the other hand, we also need to feel we are not totally alone or without support or guidance, and that we will still be accepted and valued even if we sometimes deviate from what a partner or the group wants or believes.
Relational autonomy occurs when an individual experiences autonomy in supporting the interests or needs of another person. In other words, it is the extent to which one willingly engages in helping behavior because one perceives it is important to another person. In a sense, one integrates the interests and needs of another person into one’s own motivational sphere.
Self-Reflection: Think about the last time you helped someone, not because you had to or even because it was a basic part of your job, but you went above and beyond simply because you felt like it. This could be something minor that took only a few seconds, or something major that took more time and effort. How did you feel? Also, think about the circumstances that affected your ability to do this—you probably were feeling pretty good about yourself, you had at least the basic resources you needed at the moment, and you had the time to do it. Often, when we fail to help others, it is not because we’re bad people, but because we believe we don’t have the capacity or the time to do so. Although many things may be out of your control, think about whether there are any changes you can make to your classroom or school to support everyone’s ability to help others.
When one feels empowered or autonomous in a relational context, it often leads to less defensiveness (Ryan & Deci, 2018, p. 302), a greater sense of closeness (Ryan & Deci, 2018, p. 294), and a willingness on the part of both partners to rely on each other for emotional support (Ryan & Deci, 2018, p. 306).
Self-Reflection: Can you think of a current or past relationship with a friend, relative, or significant other that made you feel supported and empowered? One in which you genuinely cared about the needs of the other person, could take their critiques without being defensive (because you knew they truly cared about you and wanted to help you improve, not hurt you), and you both felt comfortable going to the other for advice and help? How did this relationship develop? What conditions kept it going? If you aren’t able to recall a relationship like this in your own life, don’t feel bad—it’s an ideal, and therefore can be rare! But perhaps you can answer the above questions based on a fictional relationship you remember depicted in a film or book.
Perhaps surprisingly, the key ingredient in high-quality relationships is autonomy. If someone has the sense that an individual is engaging in helping behaviors in order to obtain a reward or comply with some external pressure, it can indicate that the helper is not autonomously motivated and, in fact, doesn’t really care about them as a person (Ryan & Deci, 2018, p. 294).
Within schools, this issue may manifest in student-teacher relationships when students believe their teachers are primarily motivated by pay rather than genuine concern for students’ interests and needs. They may wonder, “Why is this person here and why do they keep trying to make me do things I don’t want to do?” Further, when students perceive that their teachers view them with conditional regard, making attention, interest, care, and affection contingent upon students doing what is demanded of them (such as being quiet or achieving academically), they are likely to view those classroom relationships as controlling. This can undermine students’ needs for autonomy and belonging.
As you’ll recall, the three basic psychological needs are interrelated. Therefore, one’s need for belonging can be hindered by emotional barriers, such as when one experiences coldness or distancing by an important other; by a perceived violation of autonomy, such as when one feels dominated or controlled; or by a thwarting of competence, such as when one experiences criticism, belittling, stigmatization, prejudice, or exclusion (Ryan & Deci, 2018, p. 305).
Self-Reflection: Think about times when you have experienced one or more of these hindering behaviors from other people. How did it make you feel? How did you respond? Now think about when you displayed some of these behaviors towards others, as we all have at some point. Why did you do it? How did the other person react? What could you have done differently?
One final note regarding autonomy in close relationships. Research shows that it is actually the act of giving autonomy support, rather than receiving it, that is often most strongly related to an individual’s sense of wellbeing (Ryan & Deci, 2018, p. 311). In other words, it’s when we have the knowledge, ability, and courage to empower the autonomy of others that we can experience the greatest sense of effectiveness and satisfaction. This has profound implications for educators’ professional practice.
It’s important to acknowledge the fear that many teachers may have of losing control of their classrooms. In fact, many teachers may have a desire or almost instinctive urge to assert or maintain a sense of control over students, which absolutely makes sense, as it is teachers’ responsibility to keep the class safe and running smoothly so that all students can learn. The irony is that the more controlling a classroom becomes, often the more likely it will increase some students’ defiance and undermine learning goals. It can sometimes seem counterintuitive, but supporting students’ sense of autonomy can actually increase compliance because students will feel more valued and respected, and trust the teacher is acting in the best interest of students.